Bartleby and Loki
by optimouse
Summary: Muahaha. Written by optimouse and Amanita Jackson during a school assembly. On a massive sugar hi while extremely sleep deprived and semiobsessed with Dogma fics. Enjoy.


Disclaimer: We do not own Dogma, Metatron, God, Bartleby, or the lovely Loki. (sniffle)

Ah well.

Hehe, Amanita Jackson here, doing the foreward! optimouse has gone off to her next class, but I have a free period so I'm just cleaning up a bit so we can FINALLY post this thing.

YAY we were bored during assembly and had paper and pencils and some severe sugar hi sleep deprivation. This is the end product. Enjoy, darlings! This is a parody-ish ficlet which explains the mysteries of why Bartleby and Loki are adults and together like RIGHT after they get sent to earth in SOOOOO many fics, and also what mysterious things go on in Loki's head.

Heh. not much...

(No angels were hurt in the making of this fic.)

(Much.)

* * *

Metatron: God, I'm bored. 

God: **Okay. Go down to Earth and do some matchmaking. Stir things up a little.**

M: Need me back anytime soon…?

G: **No. But pop by Loki and Bartleby's place and say hi for me.**

M: Those two are living together? You didn't separate the morons?

G: **Nod**

M: Well, thank You they can never reproduce…

G: **I don't recall indicating they were together. They're still angels.**

M: Well, I--(raises eyebrow at God) (folds arms) (gives God The Look) You want me to set them up. And turn them human.

G: **I think everyone needs a hobby. Have fun.**

M: (sigh) If You insist. Only because it's You, though. (descends to Earth) I've got to get myself a camera while I'm down here…

Bartleby: Where's the Coco Puffs?

Loki: Mephh.

B: That's not a place! Loki? Where are you? (walks into Loki's bedroom) No Loki (walks into living room) No Loki (goes into kitchen) (turns oven on)

L: (YELP) Youch!

B: What, Loki, were you doing in the oven?

L: My room was cold.

B: (joking leer) you could have come into my room.

L: Stop looking at me like that. People will think I just hooked up with you.

B: (nonplussed) What people?

L: (gesturing in general direction of readers) Them.

B: Oh, them. No, no, we're both straight. In Loki's case, painfully so. Simple creature. Thinks solely of sex and food. Kind of like you all, but he thinks of them together, and how he can't have either.

L: (glower)

B: Oh, yes, and he can't read.

L: Yeah. Fucking. Right. Bartleby, why are you wearing a shirt about how you like tight…

B: (hits Loki in the head) Can't mention that yet.

L: (sulk)

M: (bursts in in a pillar of flame) WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT GAY?

B: we're… not… gay… Very simple phrase, easy to understand, if you're not sleeping with Azrael.

L: But I thought angels couldn't sleep together…

B: They can't. It was called cruel irony.

L: Nah, man, there was a Bugs Bunny cartoon about that a while ago and cruel irony doesn't mean shit. It's some stupid literary thing. I think you were just being bitchy to Metatron.

M: Brilliant, Loki. I never would have guessed. Thank you for once again pointing out the obvious, just in case there was the slightest chance we may not have noticed.

L: Actually, I heard that angels can sleep together. They just can't do anything else. Unless it doesn't involve… (grabs crotch)

M: (hand to forehead) This will be harder than I thought…

L: Besides, what do we need sex for? We have no parts and there's porn on our pirated cable.

M: Parts?

B: Parts. (grabs crotch)

M: That's what She sent me down here for. (smirk) (snaps fingers) Now you're human. Totally human. Both of you. Enjoy.

B: Wait. Why did She send us back down as angels if She was just going to get you to turn us human?

L: (trying to look at his own back to check out absence of wings)

M: (rolls eyes) So you wouldn't have to go slog through childhood, I presume. You're here, he's here, you're both overage. No dealing with this whole messy birthing business. Now, you're both humans, so--(notices Loki is totally not paying any attention whatsoever)--

L: (falls over)

M: --and She said She'd get Jesus to drop you off some Coco Puffs and video games if you listen to a word I'm saying, you blundering imbecile.

L: COCO PUFFS!

B: (rolls eyes) he has problems.

L: Like you should talk! You turned on the fucking oven! I've got some fucking serious burns.

M: Have your roommate kiss it all better, blondie.

L: (blink) (blush) (mentally flicks off the Allmighty)

M: Oh, give over. Remember what happened last time you did that to Her?

B: I resent that. I would never kiss Loki. Ever. Under any circumstances. Not even to save my own life. Or his. Especially his.

M: (smirk) Methinks the lady doth protest too much. Well, I'm off, sort this out yourselves. See you at supper. (turns invisible but pretends he's gone)

L: What a bastard. Turning us human, then fucking telling you to kiss-----

(awkward silence descends)

B: If that bastard thinks he can—

B+L: (rant about Metatron)

M: (shuffles through 'human personality' deck of cards until he finds what he thinks are the 'homosexual cards') (Throws at the ranting not-couple)

L: OWW! (something hit his head. He'd hoped that it was Bartleby, being dominative. It was a piece of paper.) What the FUCK!

B: (holds up paper) (Leans over to Loki) (puts his lips next to Loki's ear) (whispers) Metatron tried to use the Homo papers. Play along with me. (wraps an arm around Loki) (pulls him backward, into Bartleby) (starts nibbling on his ear)

L: Mreow.

Metatron: (slowly smirking, getting….flustered.)

Almighty:** Metatron. (appears, grabs her Mouth, presses his to Hers, and disappears. The last thing the angels hear is…) Metatron, you know that you are only allowed to get flustered about me.**

L: Bartleby, why'd you let me go?

B: Well, I didn't think that you'd accept my advances. (Loki shakes his head) (Bartleby leans down…)

Loki: Cliche...but fuck, who's complaining? YAY!

(The last thing the readers see is Loki's hand grabbing at the window.)

* * *

Heh. We'd've written more, but...well, yeah. Assembly was over. 

Review and tell us how well or badly we wrote this! (gets buckets of sand to put out all the impendingflames telling us we can't write, despite the fact that we stated this was a parody...)

HURRAH FOR DOGGIEMA! AND GUITARS!

--optimouse and Amanita Jackson


End file.
